I turned 40 the month before, October my favorite time of year. My youngest daughter would have her Sweet 16. I always loved brisk walking so I’d go to the highest parking garage level & take stairs. This day proved different. I did 3 flights & was fatigued. I couldn't shake the feeling & went to the ER. They did blood work, chest x rays, the works & sent me home; looked good. I began thinking how rotten I’d felt the last 6 months. I’d walk the mall, feeling like I could pass out, chalking it up to menopause. I was sick to my stomach & had pain in right side, wondering if I was having gallbladder attacks. Back to a different ER a week later. They ran the same test; sent me home saying I was fine. I was frustrated & told my husband, is this in my head? I said if I'm not better Monday I'm going to the family doctor. Monday came. No better. The doctor fit me in, I explained my symptoms. He did an abdomen & pelvis cat scan to check gallbladder.
The next day, they were to call w/results. I called him. I prayed God please don't let it be my gallbladder...I don't want surgery! When the doctor got on the phone, he sounded disappointed. “We’re consulting a specialist.” It didn't hit me right away. I said, ok why? He said, “You’ve so many enlarged lymph nodes in your abdomen, I’m waiting to hear back.” My knees were giving way. I was shaking. I said I want a chest cat scan. He didn’t know if my insurance would pay. I didn’t care, I’ll pay! I told him—I live in over a 1/2 million dollar house & drive 2 Escalades, making it clear I don't give a crap about money, I want to know if I'm dying. I went to hospital that day, got copy of my scans & report, what doctor read the xray, called the hospital & had him paged. He said he didn’t talk to patients; I said my insurance pays you. I told him what my doctor said about a specialist. He said, “You’ve so many enlarged lymph nodes I can't count them all. You need to be in an oncologist office. You could have Lymphoma.”
CANCER! I felt the blood drain from my body. I called my husband, worrying about telling my children & mother. I felt guilty for having something so deadly, thinking not for me but for my children & husband, afraid I’d die a horrible death at a young age, putting them through pain & heartache. Things moved quickly; 3 lymph nodes removed off my aorta dx’d me w/stage 3 grade 1 Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. My husband & I cried ourselves to sleep each night for 3 weeks ‘til I saw an oncologist. I was sore from surgery but lay on the table on my stomach for the dreaded bone marrow biopsy. The oncologist at our 1st appointment told me I had a cancer most get in their 60's or 70's but more young people are diagnosed every day. He was sorry to tell me it isn’t curable. I might have 7-10 maybe 20 years.
As I sat in shock, my husband & sister cried. I felt I was robbed of my life as I knew it. It would never be the same again, & it hasn't. I was so naive...me diagnosed w/cancer...never. He said we’ll either give you a stem cell transplant or R-CHOP (combo of chemos). He sent me for a 2nd opinion. The specialist said neither now. I was relieved. He said if I use up these options in the beginning I won't have big guns in the end when I need them most. My disease was slow growing, almost indolent. I asked about Watch & Wait; he discussed a clinical trial of maintenance Rituxan. He agreed to scans & bloodwork every few months & Watch & Wait.
One may think this is a walk in the park because you’re not getting treatment right away. No, it’s a way of life I had to learn to live...live & wait. It can consume you, worry & wondering. That's when my great love for the Lord came in. His grace sustains me. I’m thankful every day my cancer hasn’t progressed & I don't have to have chemotherapy.
What about my gallbladder? It didn't show disease w/a cat scan but had to be checked w/ultrasound & was removed a year later. I believe my gallbladder symptoms helped my diagnosis though they didn't see the problem right away. The enlarged node near my liver was removed & sent to pathology. The cancer was now a grade 2 versus 1 at diagnosis.
I’ve been so blessed by God & learned much through this journey. I’ve grown up. I learned to put my big girl pants on when I need them. The fear felt when bloodwork & scans come around... nothing matches. The unknown is scary when you’re praying for health & life. I remind myself & repeat...Fear & Faith cannot coexist....I choose Faith. I thank God in advance for His great news for me. I’m happy to say I just celebrated my 4th year on Watch & Wait, no chemo. I feel great & am living life. The thing that brings me most comfort is telling others w/Lymphoma we are not alone. We’re in this together because no matter how close you are to your spouse, your best friend, etc. no one knows this journey unless they live it. I hope this story helps others.
No comments:
Post a Comment